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Sriracha has a lot of sugar in it, so I knew slathering it on top would kind of be cheating. I can make delicious pastas, soups, hearty meals for friends—but when it comes to healthy cooking, I am still learning how to sub this or add flavor to that to turn bland quinoa into something tasty and nutritious—and not a bastard version of a creamy risotto.Instead of feeling sad about failing at this diet, I actually feel really lucky that I can order nachos and not feel guilty about it.The hubs has high cholesterol, so I should learn, but for now, I’m not talented enough to keep us alive on kale and beans. (Photo: Shutterstock)Even though I hate diets, there is always something appealing to me about a challenge. There was supposed to be no coffee, but I wouldn’t agree to the challenge without that one compromise. He even looks past Tom Brady’s tight friendship with Donald Trump. After all, there’s nothing worse than being on a diet while the person next to you is scarfing down a burrito. He truly believes that Tom Brady didn't’t have anything to do with those deflated balls.We want to be happy, and we want to be healthy, but we need to do it in a way that makes sense for us—not them.I prepped the quinoa bowls for lunch the following day and we went to bed that night feeling like half a million bucks.THURSDAY Breakfast: Coffee, Water with Lemon, Almond Milk and Berry Smoothies Lunch: Veggie Sushi with Brown Rice Dinner: Salmon Filets and Sauteed Kale *prep quinoa bowls for next day’s lunch(Photograph: Caitlin Abber)The first day wasn’t that hard.The fact of the matter is, my husband and I aren’t supposed to look like Gisele and Tom Brady—thankfully, it’s neither of our jobs to be super fit—so we don’t have to live like them either.

We Don’t Have a Ton of Money The personal chef is one thing, but we can’t even afford all of the food necessary to make this diet possible. I am happy to sautée some frozen veggies and mix in some protein but I’m probably not going to want to eat it for lunch the next day. That’s probably why I always fail at diets—or never go on them—in the first place.I know that consuming loads of cheap, high-calorie food is a death sentence, but there has to be a better alternative than spending hundreds of dollars on chia seeds and coconut oil. Actually, just last Sunday I made a giant pot of this lemon rosemary lentil soup and it was the tits. These might just sound like excuses to not at least try, but I don’t know why I even need to try in the first place. I knew we were going to fail the Tom & Gisele diet.Okay, full disclosure: I actually worked from home that day and kept opening and closing the refrigerator hoping something new would appear. The quinoa covered in sautéed kale kept looking at me. “I’m exhausted,” he said, as he mindlessly poured himself a glass of wine. ”(Photograph: Caitlin Abber)And so that’s what we did. Here’s why I think we failed so soon and so hard: We Don’t Have a Personal Chef I’m a good cook. There would be a lot of quinoa, kale, salmon (you know, all the things that are truly healthy). He has anxiety dreams where Tom Brady is disappointed in him.FRIDAY Breakfast: Coffee, Water with Lemon, Smoothies Lunch: Quinoa & Kale Bowls Snacks: Avocado Slices Dinner: Baked Tofu with Veggies The next morning we both “forgot” to bring the quinoa bowls to work. When my husband got home I was in a state of complete fugue.

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